hello world.exe

 i think what is interesting in all of this, of trying so hard and to still be hit by the waves of spirals that turn me insideout and make me the worst version of myself - i am trying so hard to piece together a version of myself that is good and true and i feel that all we have, all i do, i want to scream forever, never ever stopping because punish the behaviour you want to see, punish the change, punish the new, because it never lived up to the expectation, just like i never possibly could.

if your father's head has a blood vessel inside of it that explodes one night at 2am and he comes back different and the same all at once and you realise that there is nobody who will ever save you, and furthermore, he will never be nice to you, never be proud of you, never see you for who you are, you are two people who cannot see through an opaque wall between you - you are so close and at the same time so far apart that it is like you could have never met and would never know. and he calls you stupid using different words and your heart breaks even though you expect it.

you circle like a predator, you huddle like prey, you are trying to figure this world out because there are so many rules that everyone else seems to know and you do not - yes, okay, i can sit on the bench, however, what if somebody tells me i cannot? which one is true. tell me that it is not impossible to be told that my sitting on a bench is a crime, actually, when all my life these secret rules have been reinforced time and time again and i have been punished so many times for not knowing them, for not following them strictly enough when i couldn't possibly know. how could i have possibly known. nobody ever told me. 

i feel like i am going mad, like i am breaking apart, ripping at the seams and that this was inevitable and yet it will happen again. i want to tell someone everything. i want to say nothing ever again. love is conditional on how good you've been. it will never be enough. you have to be more. always. forever. drain all the blood you have and even when that is gone and you are gasping, they will say "oh, but you didn't try hard enough, you could have made it beautiful and you didn't."

time is very strange. it all happens at once and rubs against itself and you are in the past and you are now and both things can be true. you understand. 

if you do not go to sleep, the next day doesn't come. you can break the continuity. maybe if you read enough books it will save you, a god in the pages. keep finding words. keep trying to understand. don't think about inevitability. think about it a lot. think in circles, think in spirals.

are you alive. is that what this is. are you anything at all. do you want to be.

i walk until my steps are stumbling. i cannot breathe. 

you understand.

i must get out of this place. i cast myself out. i exile. i am nowhere. the sky is so big and it will eat me whole and i have looked at nuclear bombs and they look like terrible angels. the end is here, encoded within me. i cannot perceive. 

i walk. i walk. i walk. i will know more. soon.